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There are points in your journey in mothering that you will look at your kids and be like what in the world!
The last few weeks, my attitude has struggled towards my kids. Yes, its the end of summer and yes they will start school soon but y’all my heart was in need of help. My youngest was just pushing me behind breaking on a daily basis with tantrum after tantrum, usually occurring after nap times and when he woke up in the mornings. He would scream and scream with no console for 30 minutes daily. Then add in the battles for bedtime on top of that same week, where it took 1.5 hr -2 hrs to get the kids down and this mom was ready to throw in the towel and run away.
There was even a point where I had to run and lock myself in my closet and ugly cry. You know what I mean, like a sob, nonstop tears running down my face as I cried out saying “Lord, I have no idea how to survive this mothering thing”. My heart was hurting, and I felt empty, with nothing left to give to my children. I felt completely at lost for how to address the issues that I was dealing with from the disobedience, the tantrums, the screaming, and the battle for sleep.
Honestly, if you could have seen my heart it was ugly looking. I fought to resist from screaming out and go mom crazy on them, but my friends the devil is persistent in his tempting and poking. He knows our weaknesses and when our guard is down, he knows how to get your my head, whispering lies, poking our insecurities as a mother, and hitting the nerve on our biggest sin -for me it’s anger.
Yes, I lost my cool, instead of teaching my kids patience I screamed and threw my own tantrums, letting all my sin fester out in front of my children. I felt helpless and disappointed. The guilt though is what eats at you, there were times when it was hard this week to have my devotions and read the Bible because well I didn’t want to have to look my Father in the face and be like I screwed up once again. I listened to the lies that told me He is harsh and judgmental and I forget the truth. But you see my God is faithful and loving.
Praise the Lord, for Christian radio. As I continued a pity party for myself, a song came that spoke to my heart and made me realize – we all are sinners. But the truth is – my Father he is all loving. You see he loves me in my sinfulness. He loved me so much that He sent his only Son to die on a tree on my behalf. Because of His great love.
My flaws, failures, and weaknesses, as a mom and wife, He already knows them. I need to listen to the truth that Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 12, that when I am weak, I am strong because of God’s grace. His grace that I don’t deserve but that he extended to me. It is when I sin and see my own weakness that I remember He was without sin and perfect and was given a sinners death. Who would do that unless they truly loved someone?
This truth is what reminded me of my reason for joy. It reminded me that my kids are sinners too and in need of a God who loves them more than I can ever love them. This love is what I want my kids to know of, to hear about, and for them to experience one day on their own. I will never be a perfect mother but I can show them that mommy is a sinner too in need of a Savior. I can teach them to ask for forgiveness when they have sinned against their Heavenly Father and others and I can teach them how much He loves them just the same even when they do mess up.